Real Ninja
by Shinobi vs. Dragon Ninja
Summary: Harry is sick and tired of being told what to do. So he hires an Army of Ninja, meeting some cute girls along the way. Hakuna Mutata, it means no worries. Prophecy-Schmophecy. Oneshot. Pairing Harry Potter x Su Li x Lisa Turpin. Rated T to be safe.


**Real Ninjas**

**A Harry Potter FanFiction Story**

**Presented to you by**

**Shinobi vs. Dragon Ninja**

The premise is a bit of a crack fic/parody where Harry decides to hire some muscle to do the work for him.

Pairing is Harry Potter x Su Li x Lisa Turpin.

WARNING: THIS FIC CONTAINS A LOT OF BASHING. Also lots of swearing. And well, … lots of everything really…

Disclaimer: Do I really need to? C'mon people, you know the drill. If I owned it'd be in the papers by now…

For Samurai Shinobi readers, AN is at the bottom of the story.

Harry Potter stormed through the castle of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, pissed to the nth degree. Albus 'Too Many Bloody Names' Fucking Dumbledore decides to tell him NOW of all times that he has to face down Tom 'I'm Too Pussy To Keep My Real Name' Marvolo Riddle. All because of Sybil 'Too Many Sherry's' Trelawney, the fucking fake, who gave a fake ass prophecy. As if divination from that loon was real. Hell, if it were from Luna, he'd trust it, but not that old bag.

Unbidden memories of the past hours spun through his mind; the battle in the Department of Mysteries, The Veil, Sirius (he choked back a sob that threatened to rise in his chest), chasing Bellatrix, Voldemort… And then the Almighty Fucking Dumbass and the phonecy **(*AN/ Don't think that's a real word but anyhow, it's phony-prophecy/ENDAN*)**. Why couldn't he get a break? Now he'd have to go back to the Dursley's where he'd become their house elf slave for the summer, and where Dudley would no doubt get his gang of gorillas to help… him… as… he…

Harry's eyes widened. '

Of course! Dudley has his gang, Dumblefuck has the Order of the KFC, Moldy has his Butkissers, but what do I have? The D.A.? Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Neville and I may have been able to hold off the butkisser inner circle, but only because they weren't trying to kill us straight away. I need something stronger. And I want this finished soon anyway, so I can live a normal life. I need something amazing, something like…'

His eyes now rivaled Dobby's (creepy little blighter). Images of Black Shadows, Swift Blades, and Utter Awesomeness.

'NINJA!'

Quickly deciphering everyone in Hogwarts that he knew of, the only girl he could identify that was Japanese (well, she may be Chinese but he really hope she was Japanese. She was small and Asian in any case… **(*AN/ No offense, Asian's are awesome. That goes for anymore Asian comments I make too. /ENDAN*)**) was Su Li. Or was it pronounced Li Su? Back to front formatting and all? Ah well.

In any case, the petite Ravenclaw hadn't joined the D.A., but was probably aware of it. She and her closest friend and confident, Lisa Turpin (at least Harry assumed they were close, he didn't pay much attention but they were always together), were very quiet, and stayed even under the Slytherin's Radar (not that the inbred bigot's would know what a Radar WAS come to think of it). But they had never spoken against him, never whispered things behind his back about him being the heir of Slytherin, or wearing Potter Stink's Badges, despite Chang pressuring most of Ravenclaw into wearing them (come to think of it, why did he even consider that girl attractive in the first place? She was an absolute Bitch and was probably Luna's chief tormentor with the dirty sneak, and that just wasn't on, 'cause Luna is awesome y'know. Oh wait, hormones and Asian girls. Right) or even believed him a liar about Snakeface's return. Come to think of it, why hadn't he really talked to the two girls before. They were better than ninety nine percent of the school.

In any case, with Marauder's Map in hand and shrouded in his invisibility cloak (the pain of the map reminding him of Sirius was overcome with the excitement of the ninja like feeling he had), he scoured the Castle in search of his quarry. Finally he found her at the Great Hall, eating a bowl of rice with fried egg (weird, he didn't know the elves served that at all) at dawn. He hadn't realized he had been up all night, probably the adrenaline still coursing through him in dedication to remaining alive. Slipping his cloak off without being seen, he walked towards the Ravenclaw table, oblivious to the looks he had gained from the early risers, mostly seventh year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Gryffindors were too lazy and Slytherins…well, he just didn't care where they were. An early delivery owl with a special edition Daily Prophet dropped down just opposite Su as Harry reached her. Sitting down, Harry shooed the owl after relieving it of its burden. Funnily, it didn't even try to get payment, as if sensing his mood (what he didn't know was Hedwig has shown up, and her look clearly said any other owls near her Harry-chick were going to be pecked good. How dare they try steal her pet and her bacon supplier?) and scampered.

Harry unfolded the front page and passed it to Su as she looked up after a mere glimpse of the front page photo and headline. He did NOT want to know who took that photo.

'If I find out who did, after all the shit I've put up with from reporters this year, I'd probably kill them,' he mused, absently swiping some bacon and eating a few rashers, passing the rest to Hedwig (who had "miraculously" shown up from "no-where").

Su set down her bowl and chopsticks, and began to read the paper after glancing at Harry, clearly wondering why the Boy-Who-Lived (and many other ridiculous titles) was sitting with her, of all people. As she read, her eyes became more focused, but she showed no other visible sign of reaction.

'Impressive,' thought Harry. 'Maybe she knows Occlumency and can teach me, unlike the grease bat.'

After a few minutes of terse silence, seemingly uninterrupted by the clanging of utensils as many were dropped to their plates in shock, Su finally looked up and settled for looking him in the eyes.

"I'd say good morning, Potter-san, but clearly it isn't," she spoke finally, her soft voice, almost seeming sad, but drawing him in completely. It sounded sweet, like a wind chime.

With long black hair, and a fairly light complexion Su, while a beauty, wasn't aiming to be a bikini model according to the boys of Harry's year in Gryffindor, on the rare occasion either her or Lisa were mentioned, as opposed to the other boys favourite targets of Lavender Brown and Hannah Abbott. Her slim, petite build was clearly athletic however, which was only discernible thanks to the lack of accursed school robes which were less than flattering to many a girls figure, was something Harry could appreciate. Accentuated by exercise shorts and a small tee, Harry could see why she was up so early, seeing as she'd be the target of much perversion otherwise.

"No, not really, but that may be about to change." Harry responded with a warm smile. "Now, forgive my ignorance, but seeing as we haven't really talked before, you are from an old Japanese House aren't you?"

Su was clearly surprised with this conversation start, but nodded slowly after a swift recovery from her surprise.

"Hai, I mean yes, that is correct Potter-san. May I ask why you are curious to know this? What may the Li Clan do for you? You clearly have something in mind…"

She finished her sentence, almost unsure, and for a moment Harry almost though she was afraid of him. Then he realized that she was nervous, seeing as he had singled her out.

"I was wondering how many Galleons it would take to hire enough Ninja to take out Voldemort and his Death Eater, if it were to be at all possible. Information regarding where I could find such Ninja and perhaps any recommendations would be… very much appreciated."

Su stared at him, and for a brief moment Harry saw her emotions slip enough to show her surprise (more like utter flabbagastation. I mean seriously, how come no-one ever thought of the completely awesome idea of using Ninja to take Voldemort out before?).

**(*AN/ And before anyone says anything, yes, I know that there are Naruto crossovers. I'm talking the oldschool deal here. Nothing wrong with Naruto, this is just historical ninja instead. ENDAN/*)**

"I, uh, yes. That is indeed possible. I mean, there would certainly be enough interest for what you're talking about, I mean…" Su rambled, quickly becoming flustered and flushed.

Harry couldn't help but notice how utterly sexy she looked while blushing. Harry smile widened a bit more, and (unknowingly) became more charming, resulting in Su flushing a deeper red. This wasn't that annoying fire engine red Harry had come to associate with the Weasley's ('Particularly Ginny, the bloody fangirl' he though mentally shuddering), but when mixed with Su's beautiful skin made her seem to simply look amazing, beyond his ability to describe with words. The lack of freckles also helped and made it much, much easier to look at.

Finally Su calmed herself and took a deep breath.

"I could write you a letter of introduction to a particular clan my clan has ties to, and uh…"

Su was cut off as Harry stood up, leaned across the table and wrapped her in a hug (one of the few he had so far ever initiated, due to his abuse at Durzkaban).

"That would be utterly amazing, I mean if it's not too much trouble then I-"

"Oh no it's no trouble at all I-"

"If you're sure I mean-"

""Oh it's no problem it's-"

"That's-"

Both of them paused, out of breath. For a moment they stood there, Harry's arms still wrapped around her midsection. Then-

"He-hrm".

Both jumped to the almost familiar sound, only to spin (with Harry's arms disengaging from the hug, much to his (secret) disappointment) towards the source. A bemused Lisa Turpin, shrouded in her school robes, her messy dirty blonde hair pulled in to braid (Harry could recognize signs of someone who was up before they wanted to be) as her chocolate brown eyes stared at them. Harry had to keep his eyes from drifting down, as her robes weren't done up, and she did have a figure he could appreciate.

"If either of you lovebirds would care to inform me of what's going on, perhaps?" She said with a predatory smirk toying at her lips. Harry and Su flushed before glancing at each other. Showing a clear absence of the legendary Gryffindor courage in the face of a girl interrogating him over an embarrassing (but highly enjoyable and worthwhile) incident, Harry took initiative to abandon ship first. He spun to Su.

"Uh, I'll, uh, meet you in the library in half an hour. Yes, yes that's what we'll do. I'll just go get some, uh, parchment, quills, and ink. I, ah, yes, I, that's what I'll do. I'll see you then."

Harry then bolted out of the Great Hall, Hedwig lazily floating after him, several rashers of bacon in her claws, as Su was left with her best friend to endure the torment known as…

Girl Talk!

The assigned half an hour later, Harry met the girls out the front of the library, as Madam Pince opened the doors, glaring suspiciously at the three of them.

Students awake early in the morning? After exams had finished? Going into the library of all places? Clearly they were up to some manner of trouble.

…Oh if only she knew how right she was.

As she sent the next poor unsuspecting fool off to find Mr. Filch ('Apparently they have a "Thing" going on', thought Harry) to report these trouble makers, Harry led the girls to a secluded table. There he pulled parchment, ink and quills out of his bag, and sat down. Su Li sat down next to him, blushing furiously as Lisa nudged her with her elbow, and smirked, like the cat that caught the canary.

"So Harry," Lisa began, her smirk widening (Honestly, he was a bit frightened. Voldemort had nothing on teenage girls). "What made you seek my dear little Su here? First Chang, now Su? And let's not forget Parvati and Padma last year… Oooh, the Boy-Who-Lived has a thing for exotic Asians does he?"

Harry blushed, but his reply was anything but meek.

"W-well with this beautiful little lady besides me, what straight guy could possibly say no?"

Lisa threw her head back and laughed raucously, while Su blushed further, and sunk down in her seat, trying to minimize herself and make her seem as small as possible.

"BE QUIET OR I'LL THROW YOU OUT THIS INSTANT!" Screamed Madam Pince, startling the group. There was deathly silence, from them and the few other scattered through the library. The old hag librarian turned up her nose, sniffed dismissively, spun on her heel, and went back to her desk. Harry and Lisa shared a look.

'What the fuck is her problem?'

Su cleared her throat, gaining their attention back to her. She had straightened up and seized the writing material. She looked pointedly at Harry.

"So, that letter?"

Four hours later a satisfied Harry left the library, the two Ravenclaws in tow. And no, not THAT type of satisfied. Bloody perverts. … Well, maybe a little.

After learning that his family, the Potters, were old and very, very rich, as well as the base job costs for Ninja Clans (500 Galleons per assassination), he had offered 1000 Galleons per head for the death of each Death Eater, 750 Galleons for unmarked Death Eaters, 600 Galleons for unmarked family members and blood purists. He had also offered special contracts, 5000 Galleons apiece for Bellatix, Lucius and other inner circle Death Eaters, 7500 Galleons for Peter Pettigrew alive, or 3000 Galleons for his cold, dead corpse. Oh, and 100000 Galleons for Snape's head, a bonus 50000 Galleons if he had a look of fear or pain frozen on his face as he died. Finally, he offered 20000 Galleons to all ninja who took part in killing Voldemort. Each. Hey, he was a Dark Lord after all. Any who died would have the money passed on to their immediate family, or whomever they named in their wills.

Su and Lisa had goggled at the amount of money he offered. However, after checking his statement from Gringotts (all thanks to Dobby, the creepy little bastard, who had done it of the condition that Harry became his master. Crazy and good, but creepy nonetheless), he learned he had somewhere in excess of 1.5 Billion Galleons. Apparently with the projected numbers, he made more in interest yearly than what he was offering all together. Su had quickly asked for more parchment, and copied the letter, changing only the recipient. She explained that she was sending this to more than just the Clan she had initially intended to. She expected a lot of competition for the gold.

Harry also arranged (through Dobby) for Gringotts to take care of the transactions, for a fee of course. Best no-one knows that he was behind it, else the corrupt government arrest him for conspiracy to murder.

Which, fair enough, he was doing.

In return for her services, Su had asked for a date, and to exchange letters. Harry's only concession was as long as it wasn't Madam Puddifoot's. Su was quick to agree. Lisa had asked for the same. While Harry had sadly turned her down, stating that Su had preference, Lisa shot back that they were really, really close best friends, who shared everything. Everything. And while neither had had a boyfriend before, or even kissed a boy, they were quite willing to share him. Harry, shocked, had looked to Su for confirmation. She had turned beet red, and looked away. This was remedied when Lisa reached over, seized her by the hair and pulled her into a kiss.

A Passionate Kiss.

A Passionate, Open Mouthed Kiss.

A Passionate, Open Mouthed Kiss which involved Tongue…

Lots of Tongue.

Harry had fainted.

When he awakened to Lisa giving him "CPR" (reading between the lines, Making out with him while feeling up his chest) and Su's dazed look, Dobby arrived with more paper work from Gringotts. Apparently since the Black fortune was so large, they wanted a new head ASAP, and Harry was listed as first preference thanks to Sirius' will. After much political mumbo jumbo and papers being signed, Harry had cast Bellatrix and Narcissa from the family, taken back their dowry's (with interest, gifted to the goblins), brought Andromeda, Nymphadora and Ted Tonks into the family, claimed the Potter family Lordship, as well as the Black family's. Apparently as a Lord, he would need two wives, he was informed by Dobby, who gave a strong glance at Harry's present company, before popping out.

Su remarked that both her and Lisa were willing candidates, and they did share after all…

Harry fainted again from that.

It wasn't until two weeks into the holidays that Harry saw movement, receiving a letter from Su, hand delivered by a shadowy, masked figure when he awoke one morning. At first he feared a Death Eater, but the figure spoke in Japanese first, so he figured his Ninja were finally here.

Apparently he had mail wards up. After Hedwig had been abducted (it was a bloody battle. Snape almost died, and Professor McGonagall wasn't in much better condition, though Harry couldn't bring himself to care. How dare they abduct his most faithful friend?) he hadn't had any means to send mail, so he thought that Su and Lisa were still writing, not having already sent him letters.

Anyway, after confirming the prices listed, leaving a shocked ninja, Harry had been much more upbeat.

Within Three days almost all Death Eaters were dead. Their bodies were found beheaded, their heads mounted on silver plates that strangely could not be removed from. Harry thought it funny that apparently most of their bodies had a foul stench, similar to that when someone soils themselves. Badly.

The only surviving Death Eaters were Pettigrew and Snape, both apparently under Dumbledore's protection. Peter seemed to have run, and sought sanctuary. Snape on the other hand was apparently hiding at headquarters, as first Moody, then Shacklebolt and finally Dumbledore turned up on the Dursley's doorstep to interrogate him. For once Snape seemed correct in his assessment of "It's all Potter's fault!". And of course the senile headmaster listened. However Harry's pendant the prevented mind arts from being used on him (bought from the ninjas, to protect their employer) stopped all of them from getting answers from him.

Even though Dumbledore tried his best, he could not convince Harry to tell him anything. "For the Greater Good", he lectured, and for Snape's survival from these clearly dark forces. Why Snape was so important Harry didn't know, though Lisa brainstormed that since Dumbledore was gay, maybe Snape traded sex for protection, and they were bum buddies.

Harry had promptly thrown up and burnt the letter much to the Dursley's annoyance. However Harry merely resolved to have them, - uh, removed? - once the situation died down and Voldemort kicked it. (And Voldemort kicked it. He still had no idea where the bastard was hiding.) He still had no idea where the bastard was hiding.

And Dumbledore refused to turn Peter over, despite being a government official. Maybe he too traded sex for protection? Harry shuddered.

Then he packed up and vanished with his ninja escort, off to Lisa's parents Beach house for the rest of the summer.

Another three days and Snape, Peter, and Moldy were all dead, as well as Fudge and many corrupt officials. Apparently most of the government was Death Eaters, except Amelia Bones, most Aurors and the Unspeakables. Oh, and Arthur Weasley too.

Harry and his new girlfriends sat down and enjoyed the Party.

What Party? The one the ninjas were throwing on the beach.

Merlin, Morgana and Naruto, did they know how to Party! Little alcohol (none for the minors) involved, lots of food and wow, Harry had never seen Twister played like THAT before. Extreme Ninja Twister, he believed, should be an Olympic sport.

Everyone was having a good time until Dumbledore showed up with Moody, Remus, Tonks and Molly Weasley. Moody immediately joined the party, sharing war stories with the veterans, while Remus was pulled to the twister board by Tonks. Molly and Dumbledore tried to tell Harry off, and about how disappoint they were with him, for not listening to the Headmaster/him. Harry just shrugged them off, and offered 1000 Galleons to whoever knocked those two out. He was handing over the money bag very quickly.

Three months later the reforms pushed forward by Lord Potter-Black were sweeping the magical world, with a lot of funding behind it. Claiming the spoils of war, Harry had taken over all the houses he had killed off, becoming Lord to some 40 odd families on the Wizengamot as well as gaining all their riches from their vaults at Gringotts. With only 50 seats in total, he quickly came to control the magical world. Sure, he gave a few seats away, including to Hermione, who was one of the few people loyal to him. Luna, Neville, Susan Bones and several others in his year like Daphne Greengrass and Lilith Moon all ascended to their Peerage, but power remained in his hands. Or in the hands of his lovely new fiancés, Su Li and Lisa Turpin. Being treated so human made Harry fall deeply in love with them and propose, after only two months of dating. Oh, and the sharing thing. Despite all of them remaining pure 'til their weddings, wow. Sharing IS caring after all.

Dumbledore and the Weasleys opposed this, of course, but their cries fell on deaf ears, and they could do nothing about it, until Molly and Ginny were arrested for trying to use love potions on Harry. After exposing those who would betray his best friend, Ron too gained peerage, reclaiming what was lost by the Weasley family generations ago, to the Malfoy family. So that was why those two families hated each other's guts…

Well, long story short.

The End.

_Fin._

**Author's Notes:**

Hey, SvDN here. This was a bit of a parody, and some parts rushed. Key-ly though I feel that Su Li and Lisa Turpin aren't used enough, so they were the focus of the fic. And ninjas. The first and second parts were also written at completely different times, weeks apart from each other. So it's not the best work. It's also unbetaed, so yeah.

Also, I hope you noticed the little cameo "Merlin, Morgana and Naruto" jibe. However this is not a foretelling of what is to come. There will not be a Naruto Harry Potter crossover from me anytime soon.

So hey, if you've been reading _Sam-Shin_, yes I know it's been years. It is currently undergoing major reconstruction. If you've been keeping up with the Naruto Manga, which I'm sure you have been, you can probably understand why. I'm hoping to release the new version soon, and it will be updated more frequently. Like, once a month or so, not once a year. Also, due to some of my new tastes, I'm thinking about removing the Rurouni Kenshin crossover, as much as I love that series. I'm thinking about introducing a new element of Samurai Champloo into it though…

I've also got new works lined up, including a Fallout: New Vegas fic, and maybe a Elder Scrolls: Oblivion/Skyrim work as well. Some Naruto, Harry Potter, Durarara, Evangelion, etc. stories and oneshots are also in the works, as well as _Samurai Shinobi._

So hopefully you'll see from me soon again.

And remember, Review.

Lemme know if you see any huge errors k?


End file.
